two years for nothing. two years of bullshit
really can't believe what happened lol, but honestly, people do fucked up things in the world and as much as i should hate the fuck out of him,
i'm gonna be mature and be civil. but no more
i'm actually fucking embarrased to say i chilled after with everyone all the time with everyone knowing what he did
it's embarrasing, where's the respect? jesus.
done




haven't been actually singleeeeee in two years
and it feels good

Haven't written in here in a really long time. not that it even matters, i don't think anyone reads this anyway. alot has changed and everythings moving so fast. senior year just started, i've been applying to schools lately, pretty overwhelmed with all the work i have to do senior year, which i thought would be the "i don't give a fuck it's my senior year" easy type of thing. but it's not. i don'ttttttt knowwwwww, my birthdays in 6 days :D i hope it's a good one because they never really are good. hmph.
right now i'm reading The God Delusion, which has amazed me so far. Dawkins is incredible. i recommend this book for everyone to read, atheists,agnostics,and even believers.
i don't know really where i stand relationshipwise. over the summer me and matt drifted away from eachother and i was talking to someone else, who i started to have feelings for but i don't know. didn't really work. me and matt are okay again, i missed him a lot. i just feel like he's the only one that knows be the best/ the one person i'm used to and will always be comfortable around and i don't want to start that over, you know?
anyways, i don't know why i'm up right now. i called out of work so i could sleep more and i just stayed up. wierd.

p.s I LOVE FALLLL.<3 so much. i love this weather i love seeing the trees change color i love the smell of pumpkin spice candles throughout my house, ugh it's so nice. october makes me really happy

byE XOXOx

i still really can't believe you're gone nat,
this is so unfair, you were the last person to deserve something like this
and this just further proves my belief that there is no god, because this really shouldn't have happened
i miss you, i'll always miss you.... no other roomie for me<3
RIP beautiful.

I haven't updated in a while, I always come on here but then realize I am too lazy to log in and write about my life. well, I'm sitting in english first period doing nothing because sillyyyy me forgets to bring her books from home all the time. really pointless why I even come to school lol, I have a week and a half left and then summer comes and I'm finally a senior. I can honestly say that I'm pretty content with my life. I quit marshalls like a month ago, haha and I got fired from slomins last week. bleh, although I hate working I like having a job and knowing I'm getting some sort of income, who doesn't though? I hateeeee being unemployed ugh. on a better note, I am sooo happy that barack is the democtratic candidate! really that's gonna put me in a good mood all day haha, todays mine and matts 1 year n 4 months, we've been pretty good :) anyway its wed and this week needs to go by faster, I just wanna get waSted

"Isn't it enough to see that a garden is beautiful without having to believe that there are fairies at the bottom of it too?"

hmphh, i don't even update this anymore, i'm too lazy. lifes been pretty good lately, i'm on spring break, and schools pretty much almost overrr.. so legit. i might be going to vegas memorial break with kristina :) and this summer hopefully mad places to visit schools. california and arizona mainly. the breaks been pretty good so far, 420 was good, isn't really different than any other day, monday night me kris and kalan went to whiteys, lol most buggin people there ever and yesterday was with a few peopleee went to some hofstra dorm and came home and passed out. today i'm working :( and im working everyday for the next week which sucks i just wanna go to the beaccch and get drunk. i haven't seen matt all week which is annoyinGGGgdshfkieo


rah

mark out any thing that takes no time
failure fails when nice is one more lie
wait a while for me to be ready
ready for the last snow
I stayed
no one
no feeling through my toes
walk on
move or I may implode
this is not called relief
at last I swallowed
wait til rainfall to countdown
making trouble
we'll be found






i know everythings fine but i just wish i felt better. i wish i felt better about myself and about my relationship. i guess it's just hard for me to believe that not everythings perfect and have to get used to it. but deep down i know so much can be fixed and perfected without it literally being perfect. i don't even know what i'm saying anymore sometimes. sometimes i can't explain myself and that just makes things worse and more complicated. maybe the reason why i can't see anything wrong with what i'm doing is because i don't want to. but i really don't see anything. lately i've just been miserable and unhappy, and he's not even doing anything intentionally, i don't even know if hes actually doing Anything to be exact. i don't know, shits wierd. i don't even want to think about the work i have to do thats due tomorrow, and the fact that i have to go to work in an hour til 10/1015, i'm quitting soon though. ihml

today was easter and easter is fuckin whacKK as hell so i got to sleep in, sorta.
tonight went to mattys and then to james' for a little and back to matts, SO drunk things got wild I DANO ;)
we're really good<3 he's perfect and the bestest ever he makes me happy :D

i'm about to take some nyquil and pass out 4ever so i can sleep in tomorrow again and i have no work or schoool yes:D no school til wednesday is legit. not the papers i have to write til then though, bleh



lifes pretty good though what can i say
<3

i've been so sick and this break has sucked because i've been nowhere but my bed and mattys bed. i need to get better it's getting so nice out i wanna play outside.

:D I'M GONNA SLIT YOUR THROAT AND YOUR ACHILLES TENDONS AND WATCH YOU HANG BY A ROPE

Bye

besides the fact that i'm dying and just came home from work because i was throwing up, UM i'm really happy, mom said i can go to amsterdam for my graduation which is gonna be a good 6,000 dollars BUT if shes willing to spend that that FUCK that i was just looking shit up and how good does a 14 night cruise to hawaii, australia, and new zealand sound, yesss very good ^_^

i am just doing pretty good lately. got nothin' to worry about and just living life. hmmm friday night, thunderstorm, so me and matty stayed in and were being cute :D saturday just chilled with jay piggot and alvarez, pretty much froze to death and smoked blunts all night. tomorrows monday and i'm seriously dreading going to school. i HATE not having a car. but this summer i'll be buying some pick up truck i don't know which i want yet, and i'm superrr lifting it and painting it PINK :D. well, hopefully painting it pink cause i'm starting to think if i have a lifted truck and it's hot pink, it'll draw more attention and who knows what i'll have/be doing in that car so bleh, but i don't care i'm just excited to have a lifted truck PEACE

arizona is beautiful! besides the depressing reason i'm here, it's february and it's 85 and sunny:) i miss it sooo much. the other day i went with my cousin to ASU because she had class and i just walked around campus and got starbucks and took picZ and enjoyed myself. it's so nice here, i passed by my old house with my dad it was really sad :( when i was 7 and when me and him used to talk, we planted an orange tree in my backyard and when we passed by the tree was growing from the side of the house and he picked an orange and gave it to me :( yesterday was the wake and i can honestly say i've never seen my father cry like that, let alone cry, in my life. idk anyway, i'm probably comming back here spring break so i can actually have fun and go to some ASU partys with my cousin and see if i reallly like the campus so i can apply here come november. i hate long island so much. I don't wanna go to college anywhere near there but saying that scares me. I miss Matt so much :( it's only been a few days since i've seen him but i really do miss him a part of me wants to stay and enjoy this weather and this beauttttiful state, but i wanna go back to new york and see my boy :( i'll be home monday though my flights at 1145pm sunday which sucks bc i hate night flights BUT i can sleep all the way home :)

cyA 143
pm

I don't know why I'm up this early when I don't even have to be at school. Grandpa died unexpectedly yesterday, so in a few hours I'll be going to AZ for the next few days. Yesterday was just a sad day :( I've been planning a trip to Arizona for the past few weeks to possibly go down there for spring break, since I haven't been there since I moved back here(5 years) and now i'm actually going and this really isn't the best way.

what a gooood weekend. friday was winterfest :D went there instead of outeast to see bracewar but i donnn't even care it was amazing. afterwords got a hotel suite out in melville with maaad people anddd ugh just such good times.













<3^




best guy evA

I wish i was turning 18 and not 17 this year. It sucks being this young, i want soo many tattoos that people might get before me since i'm the youngest out of everyone so i'm gonna talk about them now lOL
..and i could get them now but there too big to be getting @ 16 and who knows if i'll want them still

anyway for the backpiece i want either the whole right side of my back or my upper back i want a little girl that looks sort of anime-ish reaching out into a pond of koi fish. i wanted a half sleeve of a koi but who dOESN'T get that.
THEN i want a geisha on my forearm idk if i want a newschool type of one like




or an older more realistic one

i also want cherryblossoms going up my side and underneath saying "Make yourself "

or plum blossoms going down my side saying " America the plum blossoms are falling " ( Allen Ginsberg )

and towards the bottom of my leg ( a little above my ankle ) i want the maneki neko



so it'll bring good luck 4eVa


idk why i'm talking about this i sound dumb but W/E

my house is falling apart i think. the other day (because of the rain etc) there was a flood in my basement like seriously above my ankles throughout my whole basement so for the past few days there been people here fixing shit til like 1am each night and my room is the only room in my house w/o heat thats really cool ugh, i ordered my rebel xti and with 75-300 mm telephoto lens and all together it came up to 1100 =/ i paid for half of it though n i'm deffinitly paying the rest back gradually and i'm picking it up tomorrow : ) i really wanna go to rode island tomorrow for verse,have heart, shipwreck but i doubt i am going. figures something good happens over the weekend and i'm not going AND i'm not working okay cool i have off all this weekkk :) yay drunk<3

I can't wait to finish this year and start applying to schools. ASU and Marymount Manhattan are definitely the two places i wanna go the most. I really do miss Arizona, it'd be ill to go to college there, and same with Marymount i need nyc. I just need my grades up a little higher and i'mmm good. oh and my window just broke wtf it's freezing and so windy.

things are looking up for me. i'm doing really well in school, 96 on english regents, 85 on u.s midterm, and other classes my averages went up atleast 10 points. i can't wait til after high school, i can't wait to reallly live and to go to college. anyway within the next two weeks i'm getting my canon rebel XTi :D and march 15th is "Z Day" throughout the world there are going to meetings and rallys held on that day to gain awareness on the movie which most have you probably haven't seen, The Zeitgiest. it's gonna be sick and i'm gonna have to take pictures/write an article for my journalism class but i'm looking forward to it. Anyway, i'm hating hilary clinton more and more by the hour, bitch thinks she can be our president, and i think people are only voting for her because they'll get bill back in office and b/c shes a woman, okay YEAH bill was chill doesn't mean your gonna be a good president, and also i'm a woman doesn't mean i should run 4 prez. she just seems so fake and i think the "promises" she's making will completely change if she's elected. she's way to militant and her views are too socialistic. on another note, obama won more states then hilary but she won more delegates, BUT, it's not over so we'll see, it's been bush clinton bush and it shouldn't be another clinton running our country, i think we deserve more. anyway, i have to start saving up for costa rica :D can't wait for that, and hopefully i'll be going to az spring break to visit everyone and to visit ASU. and maybe taking a trip to california while i'm out there for coachella so i can see jack johnson :D oh and, i neeed a new job mine sucks a lot :(

I really really really hope Barack wins tomorrow. Only candidate that will bring change.